Welcome, Stay at Home Mommy

Bottom line is this: We have no money. I am not complaining about it. Yet. Quitting work has definitely cramped our normal style. Our refrigerator is pretty empty these days. There is no more out to eat whenever we feel like it. No quick trips to WalMart to get those little things that add up to a lot. My kids are starting to feel it and so begins the complaining. I tried to reason with them...."Guys, Mommy doesn't work so we can't do all those things we used to do." "But why did you quit, Mommy?" "Well, because I wanted to stay home with you guys so we didn't need a babysitter and I get to spend the whole day with you and spend quality time with you. I get to see all the firsts that Judah does." They both look at each other as this all starts to really sink in. Then they both agreed together, "We would rather you go back to work. We wanna go shopping." Sigh. I have taught them nothing. They picked money over Mommy. Brats. Yes, me and God have a long way to go with teaching them the important things in life. Say a prayer. Or three.

Here are some things we have been working on: (I love bullet points)

#1. Emma's room. Remember when I cleaned that out when she was in PA? When she came home she began to cry. "I have nothing to do in here." I tell her to go in the basement and get some thing and bring it up. Then take it back down. It's fun this way. Within 1 day - 1 day - her and her cousin Kara had that room a disaster - without making any trips to the basement. How does a child mess up her room so much with nothing? She's still mad at me. Some day she will love me.

#2. We need to stop yelling. I am a yeller. It's in my blood. Really. Probably comes from the Native American blood. (1/16th baby). God has been convincting me for about, um, 2 years now. It's the hardest habit I have ever had to break. I tried posting verses around the house. Someone told me the madder I get the softer I should talk. Pish posh. That doesn't work. Duh. Because I yell, my kids yell. So today began the day that we quit yelling together. 1st time caught yelling in the day, you have to say Sorry, I should've said it like this......... The 2nd time, you have to go to your room and right down this verse 5x "Pleasant words are a honeycomb. Healing to the bones and sweet to the soul." The 3rd time, you have to have 15 minutes taken away from electronics (reading novels for me) at night before bed. The 4th time, you get no electronics or novels at bedtime. The 5th time, you spank yourself. Shame on you. Let's see how this goes. It has helped me so far. Just to be present in the moment and say what I am trying to say without the yelling. I have to think about it all the time though. It's hard work to break this habit of 38 years.

#3. My sister Berta has been trying to coach me to get Judah to self soothe at night when he wakes up the 10x during the night that I get up and rock him back to sleep or nurse him. It's so exhausting. I dream of sleep. It's all I can think about, next to not yelling. I decided I would try to do this. Again. Berta says you set your time for 15 minutes, let them cry it out. If still crying after 15 minutes, go in, pick him up and get him calmed down and then do it all over again. This will continue for approximately 3 days and then they are trained. What the world and Berta doesn't know is I can't do this. Really. I get physically sick listening to him cry. Just thinking about doing this brings on panic attacks, migraines and some serious PTSD. Probably from my Mom letting me cry myself to sleep at night as a baby. It's not that I am a super softie. God knows why I can't do this, I can't explain it but I just can't. Well, last night I tried it again. I knew the strength would have to come from God. So Judah in bed around 8:00pm. 8:30 he cries. I lasted maybe 2 minutes. Went in and rocked him back to sleep. I went outside and bawled my eyes out, dry heaved and told God I don't need sleep. I just cannot do this. Period. Judah woke up again at midnight. He gave me strength to try it again. And I did it. I would go outside so I can't hear him cry (key point there) and then about every 5-7 minutes I would go in and pick him up. My mantra was "He's not in pain. He's not hurting." This lasted about 50 minutes until he finally did fall asleep, assuredly because Berta was probably up all night praying for me. BUT one time as I sat outside after about the 3rd time, I thought I heard a thud. No surely it wasn't Judah. If something bad did happen, Aaron would hear him and get up and check it out. (Yeah right. He sleeps like a log and never heard anything all night.) I go in after my 7 minutes and to my horror, here's what I found. I didn't put the crib side up bc I figured he's not big enough to get out. WRONG. He must've fell out of the crib, on the the floor and he was lying on his back with the box fan we have running for him ON TOP of him. Oh. My. Gosh. I felt like the worse mother in the world. Again, God gave me the strength to put him back in that crib and let him cry it out, even after that terrible fall. Guess what? He still hugged me and loved me this morning. No huge bruises besides his regular bruises from learning to walk. Praise Jesus. Now just a couple more nights of this. God help me. Oh and the rest of the night - well, he woke up at 6am, I nursed him and put him back to bed. He freaking slept until 8:30am this morning. Another blessed miracle from up above.

I feel hopeful today. Ready to take on the world. I don't know if you are lucky enough to stay at home with your kids or maybe you were like me the last 11 years and felt like you needed to work so you could be a better Mommy. I enjoyed working outside the home. I loved it. I definitely felt this time though that I really wanted to be home. I have said it before how weird that felt. I know God is smiling upon me for obeying His command to me. I don't think a Mom has to be home or has to work - it's your own family's decision. Whatever works best for you and what God's asking you to do. Don't listen to the world and all the naysayers. You just be the best Mommy you can be - for me it's no yelling at my kids and getting the opportunity to love on my kids until they get so sick of me and beg for school to start up in August. I love ya Emma, Laish and Judah. I pray His light will shine through me into you so you can be that light of hope to everyone you meet. I will never regret this decision.